Some Great Options - Some tough choices.

[Digger]

Hi all.  I\'ve just joined this forum which seems to be very helpful - I\'ll thank you all in advance and retrospect as well.



I\'m 43 (in Jan of 2003), and an American Citizen.  I\'m a single (divorced) father of 1 very special young man of 13.  This summer, I took him to see my very good friend who lives in Menorca.  We spent 15 days there and I totally fell in love with it.  (To view my pix, go to:  [!-- BBCode auto-link start --][a href=\"http://www.MPads.com/menorca.htm\" target=\"_blank\"]http://www.MPads.com/menorca.htm[/a][!-- BBCode auto-link end --] )



I currently work at the US Senate on Capitol Hill in Washington DC in the IT Department.  I enjoy the environment, and enjoy the people I work with.  But I absolutely HATE my commute (1.25 hours on train + 25 min drive ONE WAY).  Basically, outside of work during the week, I have no life.  I see my son every weekend, as my X has custody during the week.  Erik and I are very close with a mutual understanding and respect for one another.  As he puts it, "Dad, I come to you for culture" (his mother might be classified as trailer tr*** - not very well cultured or educated - but I digress and this point is irrelevant).



My friend Jon has offered me a (permanent) place to stay, at his beautiful home in Llumacanes.  The island is rich in culture, history and natural beauty.  So this offer is a once in a lifetime deal.  I don\'t have a terrible amount of money, but enough to fall back on if totally necessary.  I have a Master\'s Degree in Communications, and am certified in different computer areas (hardware repair, Win 2000, networking, etc).  So getting work (I think) would be like getting work anywhere else.  I am NOT fluent in Spanish, although I can recognize certain words and idioms from my background in French (due to Latin roots/similarities)....



So all the above is great, ok, yummy, etc.



HOWEVER.  My son means the world to me.  He just turned 13 and while he is very mature, I still believe he needs me around as much as possible.  While I\'ve exposed him to as much as I can, I still think there\'s so much more to offer him.



I guess what I\'m struggling with both publicly with this post, and privately in my head, is when is a good time to lead my life for ME, and let him start leading his own?  Quite frankly, I\'m NOT driven by money, or fame or power.  So my current job is just that - a current job.  As I\'m hitting my mid 40\'s, I think more and more about my mortality and don\'t want to waste my life particularly when I\'m faced with an opportunity like this one....



So, who has something for me to think about, should you be in my shoes?  What insight, observations, criticism, etc can you offer?  I\'ll read and "listen" to it all, then hopefully make a wise decision.



Thanks again to you all,

Dennis

a.k.a.

Digger  [IMG SRC=\"modules/phpBB_14/images/smiles/icon_rolleyes.gif\"] [addsig]

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[Mermaid]

Dennis,



What does your son say?  I think that\'s the most important thing here.  He might be delighted to spend summers with you in Menorca.  Talk to him.  

Oh, and of course, keep us posted!   [IMG SRC=\"modules/phpBB_14/images/smiles/icon_wink.gif\"] [addsig]

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[Digger]

Hi Mermaid.  Thanks for your response.  He knows I very much want to be there.  This weekend, I plan to talk to him more in depth....



I didn\'t put in my original post, but is it wrong to do what I want to do?[addsig]

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[Tracy]

Digger...I operate this forum and I have heard a GAZILLION stories of people wanting to go to Spain. I looked at your BEAUTFUL pictures too, with drool forming at the edge of my lips, and I read your dilemma. I never really come out and say this, but I am going to here: don\'t go.



But you already KNEW this answer. You just don\'t want to hear it. You don\'t want to face it. Put yourself in his shoes. He\'s THIRTEEN. Remember when you were 13? Did your father leave you then? Or what if he had (I obviously don\'t know your history). But a boy is JUST BECOMING a MAN at this age. You just cannot leave him. All the post cards and letters and phone calls won\'t mean a thing to him. But what will mean the WORLD to him is to stay by him. He will never forget such an act of love and committment.

I understand that a life in Menorca is a dream come true, a once in a lifetime opportunity, but being close and CHOOSING your son is so much more of a dream come true. Think of the positives for staying...think of getting to see his whole life awaken!

And think of the wonderful times the two of you will have together. And if your X is, as you say, trailer park tr***, then why leave him behind with that environment...and for what? So that you can live YOUR life? So that you can think of YOURSELF?

Before I had two boys, I was grounded only so far as an airplane would carry me. I traveled the world and NEVER wanted to settle down. But I did. And I am glad for that. And everytime I start complaining..."Oh! these kids hold me back!" or "Oh, what about MY life and MY happiness???" I stop myself. And I listen to how often I use the words: me and my and I and myself.  If there\'s one thing I refuse to ever be accused of by my children, it\'s selfishness. And do you want to know why??? Becasue i AM selfish. But now that I have children, I realize that there is something HIGHER than me. There is something far more IMPORTANT than me. And it\'s not that my life is OVER, it\'s that my life now carries the weight of a new responsibility.



Take your son with you. BY ALL MEANS! Especially if he wants to go and your x-wife agrees. But do not leave him. And if, like you said, your son "means the world" to you, then HE is your Menorca. HE is the landscape for which you will traverse, the book you need to read and the WORLD you want to live in. Anything else, I\'m afraid, would be not be wise.



Unfortunately, we humans are seduced by mindless joyousness-- we think that if we lived in a different place all our worries would be gone. If only the scenery would change, we\'d be OK. But that\'s not the case. And the reality is, that your troubles would follow you. Realistically, there is virtually NO work around Spain for Spaniards, let alone a small island in the Menorcas, let alone for an American who has no legal right to work there. Commuting to DC is HELL. That\'s so true. (Espcially with last month\'s fiasco). But riding your motorscooter up a hill behind a flock of sheep is no joy either! The same YOU is the one stuck in the car heading to DC and the same YOU is wandering around the hills and caverns of Menorca looking for a job that might never exist. The scenery has changed, but have you?





But again, I think you already know all this.

At least i hope.



Tracy[addsig]

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[FordhamMike]

Dear Dennis,



I agree with most of the replies.  I am in the opposite situation.  Although I am older than your son, (I\'m 22) my situation still requires the decision of leaving loved ones.  My girlfriend lives in Spain and I am planning on going there.  I am an only child and my parents are in their late and early 50\'s.  I had a great childhood and have wonderful parents.  However, our family is not that big and as grandparents become older I feel a burden to stay and help my parents take care of them.  However, I am 22 and am ready to start on my own.  It\'s a tough decision but both parties, my parents and I can deal with the separation.  Coming from an only son I feel that you should stay until your son is older.  True, time waits for no man but I say that you\'d cherish spending more time with your son than going off to Menorca.  Menorca will always be there the fun and crucial years of your son\'s life won\'t.[addsig]

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[Mermaid]

Tracy, you are one smart chiquita.   [IMG SRC=\"modules/phpBB_14/images/smiles/icon_nod.gif\"]

[addsig]

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[Digger]

Dear Tracy, Mike, et al:



I believe you both hit the nail right on the head, and all along, I really do believe I knew it all along.  Sometimes one needs to hear what one already knows.....



When I asked a very near and dear friend (I\'ve known him since the second grade), this question:  "When is it a \'good\' time to leave Erik?", he immediately replied with:  "when he leaves you".  My friend has always had a way of putting things in perspective, and this statement, along with your thoughts seem to tell it like it really is.



Tracy, as the lovely Mermaid said, you are quite the chiquita!  [IMG SRC=\"modules/phpBB_14/images/smiles/icon_eek.gif\"])



Always one to find a silver lining, I\'m looking forward to next summer\'s trip back there.  This time, however, I believe we\'ll only stay in Menorca for a couple days, then on to Majorca and then Barcelona and the main land.....



One last note.  I shared this posting with a colleague at work (he\'s English), and after reading the posts, he said - "wow, what a nice site" - Tracy, I think you have yet another subscriber....



 [IMG SRC=\"modules/phpBB_14/images/smiles/icon_cool.gif\"] [addsig]

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[Tracy]

Thanks so much for the compliments, everyone. I do love this job/hobby, and I take great care in the advice I give to all the members. But I realize that no one\'s life will change with one quick post.



If you are anything like me, Dennis, you\'ll fight for that elusive *personal freedom* the rest of your life. It\'ll keep creeping up on you too, when you least expect it. But just remember (which is what i always try to do) that your son is the biggest investement of your life. ANd if you invest smartly, he will pay you back in ways you never imagined.



*little stock market comparison there!*



At any rate, I wish you and your family well, and HECK! When Erik\'s 18 maybe he\'ll move there with you () Definitely something to think about.



Tracy[addsig]

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[Digger]

No need to thank me, you\'re the one to be thanked!



For those in your membership who perhaps haven\'t had a chance to see Menorca, I\'d like to offer my pictures for all to enjoy.  Where might you suggest I post them (if I\'m not too bold to assume they want to see them....  [IMG SRC=\"modules/phpBB_14/images/smiles/icon_wink.gif\"]



Tracy, perhaps our paths will cross as we\'re sampling "Tapas" in the city square.  This of course after we\'ve both achieved the *personal freedom* we both eventually want to realize....



If you remember Maslow\'s (human) Hierarchy of Needs, the top most above self esteem is self actualization - (to use a coined phrase) "being all you can be".  Making it to Menorca after Erik is independent, and living my "golden years", would be my own little self actualization.



I sip my Estrella serveza in everyone\'s direction with a toast wishing you all "self actualize" in your lifetime.



Dennis [IMG SRC=\"modules/phpBB_14/images/smiles/icon_beer.gif\"] [addsig]

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[Tracy]

Yes...I do remember Maslow and his hierarchy. I also remember Buddha. He says we are all self-actualized already. We just must learn that contentment and self-actualization is a self-willed, internal function that should not be influenced externally.



And YES, I\'d love for you to post your pics. Send them via my "Submissions" link and we\'ll put them up on the front news section. Maybe you can write me a brief intro too regarding the whole vacation??? Since you have a masters in Communication that should be easy! [IMG SRC=\"modules/phpBB_14/images/smiles/icon_wink.gif\"] [addsig]

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[Mel328]

I think you just need to decide what your priorities are right now. Yes, it would be wonderful to live in Menorca and no daily commute be worth leaving your son?



I lived in Sevilla for 6 months and it was VERY difficult for me. My favorite uncle and my great aunt died within a week of each other a month after I got there. Then they thought my best friend had cancer (it took 2 months for them to figure out it was psychological). Then my godmother had a pacemaker put in. And my commadre had lupus attacks almost every week. I was a WRECK because I was so homesick just to BE THERE for people. But it\'s impossible when they\'re on the other side of the ocean. However, I still loved Spain so much and I honestly can\'t see myself living anywhere else at this point. but at my age (22), I\'m going without having any children besides when I take care of my friends\' children. 13 is a tough age... Just make sure you talk it out with him and know why you\'re moving before you leave him without one of the most important people in his life. My father died when I was 7 and I have to say that being raised without my father me has been (and always will be) the single most defining factor of my life and how I view the world.



Melinda[addsig]

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[Candela]

Digger it looks like you decided to not go yet and for that I am so glad.  I am 30ish now and my parents divorced when I was 6.  My dad was around until I was about 13 at which point he retracted into his new family.  He pretty much abandoned us.  Though I am sure you would not do that, the act of such an extreme move would be equivalent to a 13 year old.  To this day, I hate my dad for leaving.  It is, no doubt, an issue for a therapist.  His leaving had a profound effect on how I perceive myself, self-worth, image, etc and that effects every day of my life in some way.  Your friend who said you can leave him when he leaves you is very wise.  And besides, Spain has endured so many hundreds of years.  It will wait for you.  In the meantime, you and your son can visit together on and off.  I\'m sure he will love that.

On behalf of 13 year-olds everywhere, thanks for not leaving him![addsig]

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